Musician Jokes

I was at the open mic Thursday night at Cymplify, a local coffee shop owned by Ken and Tracy Block (that is, Ken Block of Sister Hazel fame), when the musicians started trading musician jokes. I was fascinated. I didn’t know there were so many jokes about musicians. So, I started looking on the Internet and found a whole bunch of them.

It turns out that the group at Cymplify had hit on some of the most popular ones on the web – who knew? For instance, do you know how to get two guitarists to play together in tune? Kill one.

Apparently there are there are many variations on jokes about guitarists in general. For instance:

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

** * * *

That particular theme seems to run through many of the guitar player jokes. For example:

** * * *

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Of course, the guitarist who told this particular joke changed the protagonist to a bass player.  He also told this joke about bass players:

Q:  What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A:  His amp.

** * * *

 I get the feeling there’s some conflict between guitar players and bass players:

 

What does a guitar player do when he locks his keys in the car?
He breaks the window to get the bass player out.

 

** * * *

 And I love this one, especially for the bass player take:

 

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."

** * * *

 But back to the guitar player jokes:

Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..

** * * *

What do call a successful guitarist?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

** * * *

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

** * * *

 

And then there are the light bulb jokes.  These tend to be equal opportunity humor hits, i.e., there seems to be one for just about every type of musician.  So we’ll just start with the guitarists again.  Not that I mean to pick on them – there are just so many of them…

 

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

 

** * * *

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

** * * *

 

Q: How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

 ** * * *

Q:  How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A:  None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them. 

** * * *

 

In fact, there’s only one area of music that has more jokes than guitarists, and that is jokes about banjo players.

 

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

** * * *

 

There’s a hundred and forty-three ways to tune a banjo – and none have ever been achieved.

(Courtesy of my husband, Ken Booth,

Saxophone player for Uncle Morty’s Rhythm Cream)

 

** * * *

 

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

** * * *

But apparently, when it comes to jokes, musicians are equal opportunity kidders. They like to be all-inclusive.

There are jokes about piano players:

Q: What’s the difference between a pianist and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a pianist.

** * * *

 

There are jokes about trumpet players:

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

** * * *

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.

** * * *

Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."

** * * *

 

There are even – surprise – jokes about saxophone players:

 Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

** * * *

And of course, one of my favorite musician jokes is a drummer joke:

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

** * * *

What do you call someone who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.

** * * *

But again, musicians are equal opportunity insulters:

 Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

** * * *

Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who would you run over first?
A: The conductor –  business before pleasure.

** * * *

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

** * * *

 A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"

The father said, "Two people? Let me look."

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

** * * *

Of course, musicians can apparently be insulting about anyone, even writers.  For instance:

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

 

To which I reply, here’s my favorite musician joke:

 

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

 

** * * *

 

Want to read more?  Check out these sites:

http://www.osbornmusic.com/jokes.html

http://www.ahajokes.com/muscn.html

http://www.ducksdeluxe.com/jokes.html

 

And thanks again, guys, for a great evening!